It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

The Beginning of The End

Thursday, Aug. 09, 2007
I've been keeping everything locked up and away from the paparazzi. Many knew something was wrong, few knew the real details. But after a conversation with him that ended in tears to the point of puking, I made my myspace page public and posted the following blog. It has received over 100 hits and I'm pretty sure many of them from his "other" not-girlfriends. It's the talk of the town from what I hear. But what I love best is that it's not all about him. It's everything that's been eating away at me. It's my fears, my truth, my unknowing.

So, here it is: Things have been crazy over here in SoMil. I'm trying to get the house all pretty so I can sell it, but I really have no idea what I'm going to do after that and it is definitely hindering progress. The general plan is to move West, but I'm looking for jobs everywhere, so I don't honestly know if that's where I'll end up. I'm going to put my stuff in storage until I find a permanent spot and probably just float around for awhile until my money runs out. I've never really floated around before. Yesterday, I thought about how I should chuck it all and go float around Europe for awhile since I've never done that and the older I get and the more responsibility I have the less likely I am to do something like that. But there's a whole money issue with that. Jacob says I can't break up with him because I never had the label of girlfriend, but I've been trying really hard to do it the last couple of days. You see, I love him from my fingertips to my toetips, so just being friends with him--letting him have his cake and eat it too--and not wanting to kiss him, or love him as big as I do, or make future plans, or sleep in the same bed is something I don't think I can do. But I could do all those things as long as I didn't care who else he was doing them with he says. As long as I can lock up my emotion, control it. But I can't. I won't. I thought I could, but I was wrong. I'm allowed to change my mind. Vere off to a different course. I'm not in the mood to transcend love. Someday I want to be friend friends with him. He is my very best BFF, but lately he just makes me sad and angry and I need a break. So, the loss of him and my house and my job means I pretty much have nothing except my dogs, my friends, and my stuff--though, I'm trying pretty hard to get rid of most of that too (the stuff, not the friends or the dogs). And to have nothing scares the bejesus out of me. I have always wanted everything and now I am heading in a direction of having close to nothing. It's exciting, but I wish I had an endgame. I wish I knew how long the nothing would last. I'm a virgo. I'm adverse to change. I'm adverse to not knowing. I'm adverse to a lot of what's going on in my life right now. has this too say, "The problem this year has been that many elements of your life have changed, sometimes without any clear reason. You don't like unpredictable events, but you have been subject to a series of eclipses in your own sign and opposite sign of Pisces, and their job is to evolve you to a whole new place. You are a flexible, mutable sign, so when the chips are down, you roll with the punches better than most signs, but that doesn't mean it's been easy. In the coming two years, your entire life will look different, with new friends, associates, and possibly a new position, home, or partner - or the whole kit and caboodle. It will be exciting, but change demands a great deal of adjustment, and that's been the hard part." Apparently after an eclipse in February of next year my life will stabilize for the next 9 years. She goes on to say, and this might be my favorite part, "Remain optimistic, because your luck is about to change. Whatever was "lost" wasn't that good anyway - later, in hindsight you will see the truth in this." I've learned this week that outside is fun thanks to a 6 yr. old. That our history is never what really happened, just what we want to believe happened. That I will not compromise my love. That I want someone else to love me from their fingertips to their tiptoes and not love anyone else as big as they love me. That Larissa gets the dogs if I die. That I really need health insurance. That people surprise you in good ways too. That this is not the life I envisioned, but that's ok. That I still miss my grandmother very much and don't know if that will ever go away. Horoscope Summary: Your sign certainly has not had it easy, and now, with the advent of a major lunar eclipse in your opposite sign of Pisces on August 28, it may seem downright unfair to be asked to field even more challenges. Again a relationship is to become your focus, and this time, someone close will show a side of character that will be both surprising and troubling. You won't have to think twice about what you should do - you'll either fight things out or throw in the towel and walk out. Clearly, over the past year, you've had too many sudden surprises and these types of confrontations, and frankly, you're becoming tired of it all. Still, at the same time, you are becoming better at handling a whole range of different types of close relationships and this seems to be but another chapter in a string of revelations. Most importantly, you will come to know more precisely the type of person who would make a solid partner for you, whether in business or personally, or both. Undoubtedly, the forces at play this month will show you just how far you've come. It will be vital that you listen to your intuition this month. Put one foot in front of the other, and move forward courageously even if you have no idea about which path to take - you can make detours later if necessary. Trust in the wisdom of the universe, and in your ability to transform your lifestyle into something far better than what it has been, dear Virgo.

5:51 p.m. ::
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