It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

No pressure or anything.

Thursday, Aug. 04, 2011
One day I expect to come here and there will be nothing. All the words I've ever written will have disappeared.

Truthfully, I'd be ok with that.

So much pain. So much sadness. So much drama.

Most days, I like being boring.

Most days, I like that they are nearly the same as the day before.

Most days, I like that I do not worry he will leave or analyze every word that comes out of his mouth.

Most days.

Other days, I want my former self. Just for 24 hours.

24 hours and no consequences.

That's what I dream about.

Now? Now I'm pregnant again.

Realized the last time I was here I lost a baby.

Afraid the same fate will come again.

Afraid the same fate won't come again.

Trip to Morocco planned. Can't bear to actually cancel yet. Seems silly to pay for the rest of it when I won't be able to go if I'm 7 months pregnant. BUT if I do have a miscarriage again I will be doubly disappointed I also lost my trip to Morocco.

Then I think, fuck it. You can still go to Morocco. It doesn't have to be with world-renowed photographers. You can go by yourself.

And I think if I do have another miscarriage that will be it. I'm done. No babies for me.

I will plan a trip around the world.


I don't want to break his heart, but my yearning for independence is taking ahold of me more and more.

I am so exhausted. My body is betraying me. Wondering why anyone does this to themselves.

I'm just really hoping this kid turns out to be the next brilliant mind / savior of the world.

No pressure or anything.

10:12 a.m. ::
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