It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

crying, crying, and crying some more

Friday, Nov. 10, 2006
I feel like everyone is freaking out about my health. I feel like I have to be stronger than everyone and calm them down. I'm the one telling everyone I'll be okay when I want it to be the other way around.

I can't quite explain to people how I feel. My friends are wonderful and great, but they are not my family, they are not my love. I go to all these doctor's appointments and tests on my own. I will get phone calls, but it's just not the same.

I want him to be here. I want him to be there in the waiting room after the MRI lady made me cry accusing me of licking my lips or moving around too much even though I was as still as I possibly could be.

I want him to hold my hand when I go to the hematologist and tell me it will be okay, that will go through this together. I want my mommy to make me dinner and watch movies with me.

I had awful dreams last night. So many people from so long ago, including a dead great-uncle. I couldn't get my love on the phone and then there were the zombie rapists, but i don't want to get into that.

The secretary at my doctor's office said to me, "you don't have any family here, that's too bad," with this intense sad look on her face.

I've been doing so well psychologically for the last month, but it's all awash now. I again want to pack everything I can in my car, including the dogs and get rid of the rest. I want to go west.

See, my body is falling apart. There are two separate problems that are affecting the rest of my body. The first is easy, my neck is totally f'ed up from stupidly hitting my head on the bottom of our pool 13 years ago. I thought they had fixed it back then, but I was wrong. Why I haven't had headaches no one knows. But it apparently is why I can't lose weight, why I have high blood pressure, and why my blood sugar is so out of wack. The bundle of nerves in your neck vertebrae all affect these functions. It can all be fixed though. So, that's why it's easy. That's why i went in for an MRI today. My doctor wasn't too happy I went to the chiropractor before I went to her. But really, my shoulder just hurt. I had no idea anything was wrong with my neck again.

It's the second problem that everyone is freaked out about. The continuously high white blood cell count. After 3 months and 3 tests I am going to see a hematologist/oncologist right after Thanksgiving.

I'm sure lots more lonely tests will ensue.

And of course, all the research I've done is not good. Just go do a little search on the mayo clinic website about low white blood cell counts and see what I mean. They've ruled out almost all the things except this really scary, pre-leukemia kind of disease. I'm guessing they'll be taking bone marrow. Ouch.

The good news is the boy is coming for Thanksgiving because it'll make me happy. It totally give me something to look forward to.

He tried to talk me into going to San Diego for a month, said it would be good for me, but it's just too inconvenient for my life right now. Who would watch the dogs?

If there is something really wrong with me, I will move. I can't do this by myself.

I keep trying to convince him to marry me because he has better health insurance. He doesn't see it as practically as I do.

2:02 p.m. ::
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