crazy

I am over all of my issues and insecurities. I just want to move on, move forward, move...away?

Maybe I drank too many caffeinated beverages, but I can't seem too sit still. Even when I do take breaks and watch some television, I sit on the edge of the futon, with my trainers on ready to move at any moment.

My problem this evening is I'm too ADD and overwhelmed. There's so much to do. So much I want to do and I don't know where to start. I'm having a hard time prioritizing.

I want to move. I want to move very soon, but at the same time I need to work. So, what to do? Work or work on the house? And where to begin with either of those right now. I have gotten myself so deep in a hole of self-destruction this one is going to take some time to get out of.

Meanwhile, the boy is driving me absolutely bigiggity this weekend. And he knows it. This drives me even more crazy. You know what you're doing to me and you continue to do it. And yet, the question comes, do you really need him to call you every day? Yes, yes I do. When you live 2,000 miles away from each other it very difficult to stay connected. And when he just disappears it makes me think he's doing things he shouldn't be doing. Then, answers the phone this morning, tells me he's sorry, he's not dead, he's awake, he's okay, and he'll call me back in an hour because he's having breakfast with his brother. That was 5 hours ago. And I just sit there, on the edge of the futon, trying to distract myself with the drug that is television and I just get angrier and angrier and want to put my frustration into something productive.

But again, I just don't know where to start.

I should make a list.

And I'm sure by the time I finish the list I will be so overwhelmed I'll need to go to bed.

Why can't I choose someone who doesn't drive me crazy?

And then I wonder how crazy I make other people. I'm sure I drive Colin absolutely bonkers even now when I am no longer having sex with him. We haven't had sex in over 2 years and I firmly believe he wishes I would just disappear sometimes.

We often forget we can have a negative affect on other people who negatively affect us.

I'm gonna go make the list. I can't even be creative right now.

And a quesadilla, yeah, I'll make a quesadilla.