Forever and ever amen

Funny how we fall into old patterns when tragedy strikes. I do everything I can to not feel the way I am feeling. I work too much. Drink too much. Fuck too much. Smoke too much. Work out too much.

Everything is just too much lately.

Jacob thinks he's going to be the magic pill that makes everything better. I fly to Seattle to drive cross-country with him back to my house to live forever and ever amen. At least that's the plan. At least that's what he says is the plan. Together forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever scares me.

And in the meantime I have sex with just about anyone who wants to have sex with me. I don't even have the, "I was drunk excuse."

I told him about it. I told him it didn't fix my sadness. He of course thinks he can. I'm afraid of what might happen when he can't. It's happened to better a man.

We also talked about my sluttiness and how it will affect our relationship. He doesn't plan on sleeping around and is pretty sure if anyone does it'll be me.

He is a serial monogamist. Even though we've had an "open" policy while we've been apart he only sleeps with one person. Which actually bothers me more than if he were to sleep around.

He says he won't care. He says as long as I'm honest that's all that matters.

I'm hoping I'm just getting it out of my system. I hoping that he'll be the one I always want to come home too. I hoping this isn't as disastrous as it could be.