It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

cold front

Tuesday, Mar. 27, 2007
I've had all my windows and doors open the last few days because it was in the 80's. Record highs. It's fitting that this morning the cold front moved in and the temp dropped instantly. I'm in my office shivering. I don't want to admit it's going to be cold again. I've been so happy and gotten so much done in the last few days.

This morning I awoke to a fight, via telephone with Jacob. My boobs are killing me and I knew I shouldn't talk to him today. I just can't take this long distance thing especially since we've gone 3 months without seeing each other. It's totally ridiculous. The only saving grace is we are going to be together at the end of summer, for the rest of our lives (according to him), so I'm just trying to wait it out. Money has been tight and we've been trying to spend less, but it doesn't help that I have all these medical bills and house taxes and income taxes and I am drowning in debt right now. I feel like there is no way out.

So, I figured my day was already starting out crappy I might as well call my father and ask for money. I haven't talked to him in 3 months, so it was a little awkward. I told him the phone goes both ways when he said he hadn't heard from me in awhile and he agreed. I told him what I needed and he said he'd have to crunch numbers to see if they (he and me step-monster) could help me out.

Here's the thing...When my parents got divorced my mother didn't need child support so my father started accounts for all of us and put the money in those accounts. My silly mother made no legal stipulations about how, why or when we could have the money. My father is the single decision maker on this.

But even when we need money he still doesn't take it out of our accounts. He takes it out of his personal account. He tells the 3 of us girls it's for when we get married. Even getting the checks we needed for college tuition was like pulling teeth. I asked him for money when I bought my house and he gave me $500. My middle sister got into it with him a couple of years ago and told him she was never getting married to her boyfriend of 7 years and he just needed to give it to her because they were going to buy a house. I think he gave her $17,000, but there's still more.

And I know this is a ridiculous thing to complain about because most people don't have a pot to piss in (like my granny would say), but it's so irritating that I get all stressed out about money that should be mine when I am freaking out about bills. I totally didn't even ask for as much as I need. Funny too, because I've been practicing the speech for like 3 months. I'm so overdue on my house taxes cuz I couldn't get up the nerve to ask him.

And then when he hems and haws about crunching numbers I tell him I can pay him back next month, which I can, but really he should just give it to me. And even if he wouldn't I was going to tell him I would pay him back when I sell the house, which I might do next month when I don't pay him. I really need the money I get next month for other bills and to fix up the house so I can sell it.

One thing I will never do to my children: buy them a house and make them pay a mortgage when they're 25. That's the most ridiculous thing my mother has ever done.

I am spoiled, spoiled, spoiled, I know. You don't have to tell me.

But even spoiled kids need to vent sometimes.

I hate money, I really do. I don't want to own a house. It's such a pain when you don't have a steady job and work for yourself. My credit is ruined in the last couple of years. Jacob's is messed too because of the divorce and his drug addiction. It's so ridiculous that we're going to live together really.

I keep telling him we have to get married so my father will give me my money. He doesn't think that's a good enough reason.

10:19 a.m. ::
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