ramblings of a confused thirtysomething

I got my kiss at midnight. I got the magical, mythical new year's eve kiss and i'm not sure what to do with it. I'm not sure how much I'm willing to compromise this year. I remind myself I gave him two years and a lot has changed in the last year. I'm not being fair if I start demanding things when we aren't yet done with year 1. There are some things I'm not sure will ever change though. I did things I said I would never do again. Everyone has an opinion about us and is ever willing to share it with both of us. He said if I wanted what everyone says I should want than he'll let me go. I said if I wanted those things I would go and get those things. I don't know if that's necessarily true.

I do know when I am with him my mind stops spinning and there is a calmness in my soul I only have when I am with him.

Right now, I'm willing to make a lot of compromises for that feeling.

He gave me another year. Committed himself to me for another year. You don't have to worry I'm going to break up with you, at least until next Christmas. I just wondered if the same was true for me. I still haven't found my breaking point. I still keep thinking there must be one. I have no idea what it would be though.

I'm not usually one to play games, but I was a little drunk. We were out and I delayed our leaving because I was giving a boy my phone number. Merely for a common interest and friendship. But I wanted to see how he would react. I wanted to know how much he cared. I have all these words and so few actions. I got what I wanted. I got a good enough reaction. I got fucked and fucked some more later. I was told I was a big flirt and that was the end of it.

He tells me he doesn't care who I fuck when I'm not with him. When I am thousands of miles away from him. I want so desperately to believe that's not true.