all the things unsaid
i want you to be okay. i want you to remember all the things you learned this year. i want to be able to help you, but i don't know how. i don't know if i should leave you alone or call you 1,500 a day. I think about you more than I think about myself. I want to be strong for you. I want to say the right things and do the right things, but I'm floundering here. I don't know what's right anymore.
At the same time, I really just want to shake you and tell you to get the fuck over it because i really need you right now. i need you to get it together for me. i love you more than myself some days and can't at all figure out why you can't love you just a little. please stop trying to die. please stop. please, please, please stop.
after you left me way back when, after we stopped speaking to each other, there were so many days I didn't know who I was because I didn't have you in my life any more. i promised myself i would never let myself be like that with any one ever again. i built up this fortress around me. the, "you're the girl everyone wants, but no one can get," was the statement of a lifetime from someone i had just met.
and here i am. i've done it again. done it again with you. i don't know how it happened, but at some point over the last few months i have gotten to a point where i have no idea how to be without you again. i really am not lying when i say i'd rather have you on your worst day than not at all.
i can't explain any of this. it is so totally illogical it makes me want to scream. I used to believe in fate. i used to believe you were the one i would ultimately spend the rest of my life with, but couldn't ever be your girlfriend. then you left and i stopped believing in fate. i stopped believing there was this one person who would fit with me so perfectly.
i was logical. i was rational. i was scientific. i studied chaos theory and applied it to everything. i had sex just to have sex. i didn't have boyfriends. i didn't want boyfriends. and then you come back...or rather, i found you. and all of that held true for so long still. and slowly, like a creeping weed, you invaded me once again.
and i'm back to not knowing what to believe in anymore. who are you to me? why couldn't i just let you go? all the while you went off and got married. you tell me about her, you tell me about how you were with her, but it is so hard for me to imagine, so hard for me to understand at all. And I'm sorry I can't. I'm sorry I can't commiserate with you or really understand how you feel.
You can't die. You can't leave me. I don't think I'd recover from it a second time. And I know your scared and I know you worry about me, but I'm not going to be dead any time soon. And if there is something wrong with me and i have to go through all of this without you then there's no point in going through it. there really is no point at all.
you are my home. you are my everything. you are my chicken noodle soup. you challenge me in ways that constantly force me to be a better person.
tell me what you need. tell me what i can do. tell me what i shouldn't do. tell me how to help you. i hate being so far away from you. i hate not being able to hold you or look you in the eye and tell you everything will be okay. just hold my hand tight, and everything will be okay.
i'm really starting to think i'll come there for christmas and then we'll fly down here together. i think about christmas and i think about how all i'll be thinking about is how i wish i were with you.
i'm done blabbering. i hope it wasn't too crazy or overwhelming.
Synopsis: I love you and don't want you to die anytime soon.
All of me,
~Rachel
