blood makes noise

My blood tests were pretty much staying within a range and no one was freaked out...at least no one in the medical profession. I went to see a hematologist/oncologist anyhow and we decided to do a bone marrow biopsy so I would stop freaking out.

She orders more blood tests before the biopsy and tells me if she decides there's nothing wrong with me, then there's nothing wrong with me and I have to stop freaking out. Except, my blood tests came back weirder than normal and secretly I'm freaking out even more. I go in for the biopsy this Friday. It's a good thing I'm in San Diego for work/family cuz I'd be crazy if I were home alone. Everyone started to make me believe I was just an anomaly. There are many things about me and my life which could be categorized as anomalies. Like one eye is near sighted and one is far. But what the blood test said is I have lots of platelets, but they are not as big as they are supposed to be. The first real sign I might really have leukemia.

So, yeah.

Meanwhile, boyfriend/not boyfriend, is freaking the fuck out. To the point where he has relapsed and is depressed. For a moment I did feel a little guilty and remembered it is not my fault he has no coping mechanisms other than snorting heaps of white dust up his nose.

There's nothing I can do. It is what it is. I cannot save him. I cannot make things better. I cannot say the right thing or do the right thing. I try not to reinforce his behavior either negatively or positively. I tell him I don't want him to die, but it doesn't matter.

He says, "the problem with rehab is I'm not addicted to a certain substance, I'm addicted to dying and they don't have rehab for that."

I sure do pick some winners.