be still my heart

I let him consume me. I let him devour me entirely. I put the phone down, tears streaming over cheeks, "I don't deserve this."

But what am I supposed to do? I spent so many years missing him. I have him now. I spend so much time constructing our future lives together. So, do I let one phone call ruin it all? We've come so far from a year ago. So far from two months ago. Do I let one bad mood ruin it all?

I know when he listens to the message I left earlier he will feel like a real asshole. I needed him yesterday and he was no where to be found. I compose a text message saying just that, but delete it all. He's trying to start a fight. He's feeling like making bad choices and it's probably not a good idea for me to push him into the fire.

Just a reminder: I would rather have you on your worst day than not at all.

Perfect.

Then I see he posted a ridiculous myspace blog at 3 AM and I don't even want to know. He's at least home. I start to wonder if he made it to work. I wonder who the blog is about. I hope it might be me. I wonder, wonder, wonder ... and the next thing you know I have done nothing this morning.

I woke up with the world at my feet. I woke up with so much intention today. I need to pull it together. I need to refocus.

I sit on the couch and try to remember my life without him. I tried to remember when I didn't need him so much. I try to remember because I want to feel like that again. I don't want to cry about him anymore.