It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.


Thursday, Sept. 14, 2006
I was gone for a week for work stuff and it completely fascilitated my pushing everyone away. There are only a few people I want to talk to. People whose lives are more interesting than mine. People who don't ask me how I'm feeling.

At the work stuff my family was there, as well as, some close family friends my mother had clearly told. Everyone kept asking me how I was feeling with this indescribably sad look in their eyes. "I don't feel sick," I would respond, but I lie. I realized I do feel sick and had just chalked it up to working out so much. I'm tired A LOT, I have weird pains, and all I want to do is work, watch tv, and sleep. I barely want to eat and have to drag myself to the gym.

I was supposed to make all these year long plans about what I wanted to accomplish this selling season and all I could think about was how I didn't even know what my life would be like a month from now. About what I would do if I were really sick. I can't take care of myself. I can't be in this house by myself.

I've never been very good at asking for help. I'm strong. I'm fine. Everything is going to be fine. Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need anyone. I have never needed anyone but me.

Lies, all lies.

My mom started a publishing company a couple of years ago. They did over a million dollars this year and decided to have their first sales meeting. At one point I was standing there, so very proud of her and all I could think about was how I might not be able to...

...and now the tears come...the first time I've let myself cry about the unknown since I first found out.

The doctor wanted me to wait 6 weeks to get another test, but I can't wait that long. I don't want to wait that long. What if it was some weird, random infection and all these tears and all this worry is for nothing?!? What then? Where do I go then?

But I work and I live and I continue on with my days like nothing will ever change though always with that thought that everything is going to change really soon. Really, i just want to get rid of everything and move to Washington to be with Jacob. But that's really so very stupid. Isn't it?!?

He might be coming this weekend. There have been a few snafus with him getting his plane ticket. Things that make me wonder if the universe is telling us he should just stay home.

I can't decide if everything I've been thinking and feeling, if all the dreams I've been having were premonitions or just coincidence. For months now I've felt like something was wrong. For months I've felt like something big was going to happen. So, there's this immense feeling that it is something big. That there are all these signs that point to yes.

I've never wanted to be more wrong.

2:47 p.m. ::
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