the truth

It's taken a lot of serious shit to figure that out, but I firmly believe it now.

8-19-2006

My Dearest Jacob,

You haven't called me back yet and I have plans for tonight, so I thought I'd get it all down in writing. I think it's probably better this way for a couple of reasons:

1. I'm a better writer than I am a talker. Though I am supposed to be working on talking more.
2. It will give you time to process it all and then we can talk after you've thought about it.

So, I don't know what was wrong with me last weekend. Lack of sleep, intense emotions, confusion, all combined into some serious fuckedupness. I don't take anything I said or wrote back. I meant it all, but I've taken a lot of time to think about things when I finally stopped crying.

The biggest thing I figured out today is that I haven't been fair. I am very proud of everything you have accomplished so far. You have taken some seriously huge steps to be better and I want to acknowledge that. Everything you have done, you have done on your own Jacob. And yeah it's hard and yeah sometimes the other life seems a lot easier, but you're doing it. And some days are better than other days and that's just the way it's going to be for awhile. But, you are in such a better place than you were a year ago, heck, a couple of months ago. I want to help you in whatever way you need me to help you. I am not giving up on you. And if you say you need time, I'll give you time. But just like I need to talk more about what I'm feeling and what I want/need, you do too. You need to tell me how to help you.

I think that a lot of what I've been feeling about myself I've transferred to you. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in this limbo of time and emotion. And since I can't seem to make any real decisions for myself I want you to make them. And I think you are also guilty of this as well. We both want the other person to tell us what to do, who to be, where to go, but deep down we both know we need to do that for ourselves.

You say that I'm not working on changing. You say you're doing all this work on you and I'm not doing anything. And that hurts. I'm working on the house, I'm working on me by going to therapy every week, and I'm working on being the most healthy, most beautiful me I can be. And some days I want to give up, some days I want to put my heart back in a box and not feel anything, some days I want to just lie on the couch and eat ice cream and not go work out. But I make myself talk, and I make myself feel, and I make myself move my body. I wish I could wiggle my nose and make everything perfect enough in ourselves, so that we can be together, but I do realize I have some work I still need to do too.

I wasn't lying when I said I'd rather have you on your worst day than not have you at all. I think the secrets we've been keeping from each other have forced us to become more detached from each other. This has weighed the most on my soul. I hate not telling you things and i know you feel the same. So, there are two choices we can make. We can either stop doing the things we don't want to talk about, because, honestly, we probably shouldn't be doing them if we don't want to talk about them OR we can start talking. We can hold each other accountable for the drama we create, the self-destruction we are both capable of. We are both guilty of creating "pretend" lives. Lives in which we are not culpable for our actions. Lives that are not "real." But what we forget is that it is very real to everyone we touch. I want to stop destroying other people. I want to stop using people to make me feel better. I want to stop doing things which give me momentary rest from my spinning world because I just can't deal with it anymore. And I want the same for you.

You can't protect me Jacob. You haven't protected me. I know you too well. And I keep so much of what I think is going on with you to myself because you get so defensive about it.

I will commit to talking more about how I feel if you will commit to listening to me without judgement or defensiveness. I feel what I feel what I feel. I will commit to giving you more time, if you commit to actively seeking help. You've been in Seattle for like a month and you haven't found a therapist up there. I will commit to listen to you without judgement or defensiveness, if you commit to tell me what you are thinking and how you are feeling.

I listened to your playlist on several occassions and I don't believe you just threw some random songs together Jacob. There's something clearly been stirring in you and you haven't been talking either. I think you need a more clever playlist title like, "she hears me," ;-)

I haven't decided if I want you to come for my birthday. I mean I do, but maybe it's too soon. Maybe we do shoot for Christmas/New Year's in San Diego. I miss you horribly. I miss sleeping with you and I miss telling you secrets and I miss everything about you.

I won't let you destroy this. I won't let you push me away because it's easier, because you are too afraid I will break your heart. I know you love me. If I didn't, I would have given up on you a long time ago. But things need to change. These are my ideas and they are all just ideas right now. If you have other ideas, if you have anything else, I'd be more than happy to hear it.

And then there's that part of me that thinks everything would be easier if we were together. The part of me that would throw everything I could fit in my car and be where you are. But I don't trust that feeling. I think it's my instant-gratification nature and I don't think it would permanently fix anything. I surround myself with all of these people, but I feel so alone when I'm not with you. I think the two year plan has a lot of validity, but like I said in my last letter, I need more forward movement.

I realize, in the end, you might still not love me the way I want you to love me. You said "never ever," but I don't believe you. You don't want me to just disappear again. You don't want me to love anyone else the way I love you. And like I wrote in my text message, you need to trust that I won't.

All of me,
~Rachel