the letter

Part of me wants to wake you up right now and say all this to you, but I'll try not to be selfish for the time being. I do know I have to get it all out before I try to sleep again. I took another handfull of sleeping pills so hopefully I'll be sleeping when you wake. Or maybe I just won't wake up...that seems the better alternative to the way I've been feeling. I realize now that I don't think I've ever had my heart broken in this way. Because it hurts, it physically hurts. My heart physically hurts and I just want it to go away.

And the thing is Jacob, I've been feeling this way for awhile because something changed in you. Ever since you moved in here you've been different with me. And not being able to sleep in this house has a lot more to do with that and my women's intuition than what actually happened. I know you've been fucking Mary. I thought you were fucking Mary even before the last time I came. You can try to protect me all you want, but I know you too well. And this is why I can't sleep in this house. I've waited and waited for you to tell me the truth, but you seem incapabable of it. And if it was just about sex I wouldn't be so upset, but you have to talk about her all the time and tell me about how wonderful she is and about what she does for you that I don't. It's funny too because I was so upset yesterday when you told me she was going to Bumbershoot, because my plan was to come here and go with you. It was going to be a surprise. I really wanted to spit in your eye, which is why I had to go take a shower.

My heart is shattered into so many pieces I'm afraid I won't be able to put it back together again. I'm mad that I let it happen again with you, I'm mad that I've been in denial of what's actually been going on for so long. You have this knack for trying to make it seem like it's my fault sometime. You have this knack for trying to make me seem like the bad guy when you're at your most guiltiest. You say I don't tell you how I feel. And yet, when I tell you how I feel you dismiss it or get mad at me or try to convince me I shouldn't feel the way I feel. And that's just not acceptable to me.

You are the greatest love of my life and I really did hope that we'd work everything out in the long run and would be able to spend the rest of my life with you. And I was willing to give you as much time in the world as you needed--kids or no kids. However, it seems our future wants are on totally different pages--in totally different books.

You make me want to be a better person on most days. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. You know me better and accept me with all my faults. I have put my heart out for display in a way I have never done before. So, while you've been busy protecting yourself and fucking Mary, I've been busy trying to show you how much I am in love with you, but you've been too blind to see it apparently. I didn't realize I needed to explicitly say, "Yes, Jacob, yes, I'm very much in love with you."

You act like you are in a relationship with me. Your future planning, your daily phone calls, your words of love, all seem to point to that. But I clearly couldn't have been more wrong. I'm not trying to disregard the two year plan, but I need some kind of forward movement. And there can be no forward movement when you are living with another woman you are having sex with. Plain and motherfucking simple. When we were in San Diego we had many conversations about the future. You even said you did think you wanted children with me. So imagine my shock when you tell me you never want to get married or have kids. When you tell me you don't know where all my emotion is coming from. That you're shocked when I say I can't just be friends with you. And the married thing doesn't even bother me that much. I don't care if I ever get legally married, but I want someone who wants to be with me completely, and you've clearly stated that person is not you.

I just don't understand how you can feel the way you say you feel about me and not want to be with me. I guess that's what makes me most sad for you and what hurts the most in my heart.

I told you want I thought and want I wanted when I came to visit for your birthday. You were the one who called and said, "okay, let's do it. let's try it. Here's my two year plan." So, I don't undertand at all how you can say you didn't know I was in love with you. I don't understand how you can say I changed the plan. Because I don't feel like I have. I feel like I have been moving forward. Trying to mend what needs to be mended and to love you with everything I have.

I've never been very good at just being friends with you Jacob. And when we started talking last year, I really thought I could. I should have never come to visit. I should have never slept next to you. I should have never tasted your kiss. I should have never dreamed my dreams with you. But I did. And truthfully, I'm a much better person for it. For once, I did put my heart on the line as much as I am capable of. And now I have two choices, I can choose to never do it again because it hurts too much when it ends, or I can choose love. I can choose to risk it all again because the benefits outway the hurt. Nothing feels better than to love and be loved. I have spent a lifetime of lonlieness because I've kept my heart in a box. I don't ever again want to put it back in a box. I choose love. I choose life. I choose to hurt and be hurt again.

I hope you do let yourself love again even if it isn't with me. I don't want to leave you. I do want to be friends with you, but it's hard for me to picture what that would look like. I will say this, I have changed since in the last few months, because I want to be a better person. I want to be a healthy person and everything I've gone through with you and all the therapy I've had has changed me. I'm not willing to compromise my heart to get the little bit of love someone is willing to give me.

I don't talk about how I grew up. I don't talk about all the horrible things that happened to me, because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Unfortunatley, I've overcompensated by acting like nothing can hurt me. Acting like I am so strong and confident and independent. But it's all a facade. Needless to say, I'm used to getting scraps of love. I would do anything for just a scrap of love. But through therapy, I realize I deserve better. I realize what I really want is for someone to love me in a real way, in a big way.

So, I don't know how long it will before I can talk to you again after you leave today. I do know I need a break. I at least know I am not leaving you alone. You have Mary now and it seems she's a much better rock than I am capable of being. It's your choice of how you want this day to go. We can have one last good day. You can come and see my family and say goodbye to them if you want.

If you figure out that you do want to be with me at some point in the future, I will be looking forward to that call. You can only hope that I haven't found someone else.

And I end with the words of Chan Marshall:
I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man.
This is why I will be leaving
And this is why, I can't see you no more.
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever

I don't want be a bad women
And I can't stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can't see you no more
This is why I am lying when I say
That I don't love you no more

'Cause I want to be a good women
And I want for you to be a good man

All of me,
~Rachel