It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

I shouldn't be crying its summer

Thursday, Jul. 13, 2006
So, I 100% dropped the ball on a big work thing. I mean, it was self-sabotage to the utmost extreme.

Meanwhile, I get into a fight with the boy last night about how he doesn't feel like I'm very committed to our relationship. That I'm so busy all the time and if he moves here he thinks I'll never be here.

He goes to therapy and I call him later. He tells me he has to get better at not abandoning me both figuritevely and literally and then starts sobbing on the phone. And all I want to do is to be there, standing in front of him, holding his hand and giving him a shoulder to cry on.

I realized how totally miserable I am since I got back home. I've hid it better than other times because it's summer and it's really easy to be busy in the summer.

I'm so busy because I don't want to stop and think about how horribly sad I am. I say this to him last night and he doesn't believe me. "What do you want me to do? Just sit at home and cry about the fact that I miss you so much?"

"That's what normal people do."

"Do you know me?!?"

I don't want to not live with him anymore. I miss him so horrible it physically hurts. And I don't care about all the potential problems we are going to face. I don't care about all his problems because I really would rather have him on his worst day than not have him at all.

I love that kid so much it terrifies me. It ended badly once and there's nothing to stop it from ending badly again.

And the worst part is, now that I've realized it I can't stop crying and I have to be at the gym in 20 minutes.

And all I want is for him to be here, standing in front of me, holding my hand and giving me a shoulder to cry on.

9:41 a.m. ::
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