It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

Everything is easier when we're together

Saturday, Jul. 01, 2006
Hi. This is Bob. From the boat.
Text messaging. Makes the best and worst intentions easier to share. It's several shots of whiskey without the hangover.

Bob-from-the-boat (as is his name in phone) swears he saw me on the streets of Madison a few months ago. He contacted a friend of mine in D.C. who recanted the story to me over Memorial Day weekend while visiting. Bob apparently can't get me out of his head. Bob apparently says I give the best head ever.

I met Bob 4ish years ago, drunk one night visiting the D.C. friend at his parental's home on the Mississippi. I was the only girl that night who said she didn't want to bring anyone back to the guest house that night. I was the only one who did.

I didn't have sex with him because we didn't have a condom and I much less willing to compromise back then. But, we did explore each others bodies and talk until the sun rose on a pontoon boat. I never saw or talked to Bob again. I never even mentioned him in conversation.
And now, there's this text message on my phone staring at me, begging me to explore this opportunity. I replied benignly. He responded back benignly. We went back and forth like this for a couple of hours. Then I was done. I was bored.

I was wondering if it would be okay if we hung out. I think it would be a lot of fun. Would it be okay if I called you?

I didn't know what to do. I was with a bunch of friends egging me on because they all hate the recent decisions of been making with my love life. Do it! Do it!

Most certainly.

The following morning, I mention to Jacob how I had a dream where my mother told me we couldn't go to my grandparent's 60th wedding anneversary unless we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

"I don't know how I feel about that."

"It was just a dream."

"Look. We have a more intense relationship than most boyfriend/girlfriends do."
"It was just a dream."

The next morning I talk to him again, just having woken up from a dream where his neck was slashed and he ripped it open further with his own hands as he said, "told you so," and he told me of his detachment. Told me of his downword spiral once again and I thought, "fuck it, I don't even want to be his girlfriend."

I thought about it while I was working out, going around and around the track, and it made me cry. It made me cry because I'm starting to really feel like love isn't enough. That sometimes there's just so much bullshit one person can take before the love gets pushed off into a corner. I came home to find an e-mail from Bob-from-the-boat.

I figured I would just send you an e-mail, since I can't call at work. Erik had mentioned that I was brought up recently, and our fun evening on the boat. For the record, I don't think you're a "pontoon whore" or whatever you called it the other day. Anyway, I will call you sometime this weekend, and maybe we can hang out in Milwaukee or Madison sometime. I remember having a good time with you at the bars in La Crosse, maybe we can party even without a pontoon. Let me know if you get this e-mail, I'm afraid I may have typed the address in wrong.


This seemingly small occurrence has really thrown a wrench in my life. It's made me really look at what I have with Jacbo and what I want with him and be very realistic about it. We always talk of tomorrows and somedays and we have this two year plan. But I want today. And he's not ready to give me today. "You are the love of my life," he says to me, but words are only words.

So, I decide, that yes, yes I will go out with Bob-from-the-boat. Who knows what he looks like now, but he was cute enough then. He was smart and funny and though a tad on the innocent side, he had his future mapped out--a trip to the White House included. I remember thinking then that I was no future President's wife, but now, who knows.

And maybe I'll find Bob dull and boring. Maybe he'll realize I'm not that girl I was 4 years ago. Maybe he's looking for something he just can't find and thought maybe that girl he met just for one night is the answer to his loneliness.

Maybe, I like being lonely. Maybe I will live by myself forever and date unavailable boys because really, I'm much happier that way. I get my space, I get my me time. I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want and no one judges me. I never have to comprimise. I never have to put on a happy face when I don't want to.

I'm tired. I've been working out so much lately my body is in a constant state of soreness. I've been thinking so much lately, my brain is in a constant state of soreness.

Then Jacob calls me later in the afternoon yesterday. Tells me how his jesus-loving temporary foreman laid him off. Gave other reasons other than Jacob's non-jesus-loving ways, but he only laid off Jacob.

So, what do I say? What do I say after all the thoughts and emotions I had that day?

"Well babe, why don't you just move here. Everything is easier when we're together."

3:42 p.m. ::
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