until we are we i am still me

The storm hit. This time not so literally. I fought with you because I knew that's what I was supposed to do, not necessarily what I felt like doing. I slammed the door and ran away hoping you wouldn't follow me. I ran away from us because it was so much easier. But you came after me. You said what you've wanted to say for so long. You told me I was the love of your life and I never gave you an answer to your question and you never demanded one.

But now that I am back home, all we seem to do is fight. There were a couple of days there when you still were making up with me that everything seemed all right. But now, now you find all sorts of reasons to be mad at me.

And sometimes, I catch myself wondering, how do you break up with someone you are in love with? Because sometimes this is just too hard.

Yet, when we are together, when you are standing in front of me, kissing me, and telling me everything is going to be okay, I believe you. I believe in us. It's when we are so far apart, when all I have is your morning phone call, that I doubt we can make it through this.

Today you got upset because I want to buy a hot tub for the backyard. I totally understand why you are upset, but I never acknowledged it. It's my money and my life and if I want to buy a fucking hot tub, I'll buy a fucking hot tub! And until I am with you everyday, MY money is not OUR money.

"You are going to buy a hot tub and then move in the next two years. What sense does that make?"

"We can move the hot tub with us."

"Do you know how heavy a hot tub is? Not to mention you'll probably use it like 3 times and get over it."

"I will not. Fine, we won't move the hot tub, but it will increase the value of the house."

(insert fight about that point)

"I have to go get ready for work now."

"Have a good day! I love you!"

"Yeah, I'll talk to you tonight."

I'm reevaluating my demand you call me every morning to wake me up. At first it was all good and warm and fuzzy and it felt like I was waking up next to you , at least a little. But now, with the morning fights, it sets my day off kilter.

I don't know how to fix us anymore. I don't know what the answer is.