It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

what is wrong with me?

Sunday, Feb. 19, 2006
Any future planning we do is instantly negated the minute the ex-wife calls.

"I'm dead," he says as he answers the phone.

"Well, that was nice of you to call me from the afterlife--I appreciate that."

"I'm not dead yet, but this is the phone call to tell you I'm in the terminal ready to takeoff to somewhere unknown."

I'm always up for a challenge. It's my biggest neurosis I think. Because I want to give in, I want to just say, "fuck you, fuck this, I'm done."

But I don't.

Because he challenges me to do it. He tells me not to be original that everyone leaves him eventually. That it would be okay to be done with him.

And I respond, "but baby, don't you know, I am an original. I refuse to give up on you."

He might be dead by nightfall, but I've heard this story before. I've heard this story on and off again for the last 11 years of my life.

Secretly, sometimes, I hope he does it, because then maybe I can move on.

I also know it would completely devastate me.

How do you give someone hope when they have none for themselves?

Does love conquer all?

And yet, all that was going through my mind was how he clearly must not love me if he calls me tell me how depressed he is that his ex-wife is moving on. That all these future plans we've created are total bullshit.

Maybe I should date the, "I'm waiting until I get married," 28 year old. At least then I'd know he hadn't done coke off the ass of some skanky girl on a glass coffee table. Try to get that image out of your head when you're kissing the boy you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with once upon a time.

And for 7 years I was done with him. For 7 years. What on earth prompted me to rekindle this craziness? Was I seriously that bored with my life?

And the even crazier thing is how "normal" Colin seems to me right now.

Wow. My standards have sunk to an all time low.

4:43 p.m. ::
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