It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

staying up late

Monday, Feb. 13, 2006
Life holds so many possibilities. I have panic attacks just thinking about them. I think of what Douglas Coupland said to me so many years ago, "I just think the universe throws you opportunities and if you stop taking them, the universe stops throwing them."

As an independent sales rep I am employed by several publishers. I was at a sales meeting last weekend for my most favorite one (and oddly, the one I make the least with). After dancing provactively with the President/Founder all night, I knew he was going to call me, or maybe I wanted him to call me and told myself I was being stupid.

Just as I was falling asleep, I got summoned to his room at 2:40 AM. I ended up hanging out with him until 6 AM Sunday morning.

I forget that he's only a few years older than me. Sitting there talking to him when we're both tired and a little drunk, I realized how much alike we are. We both are so concerned with seeming so together, but really we doubt ourselves constantly. And as hard as we both work we wish we could just go out and have fun and not care what anyone thinks about us.

I wanted to kiss him. And not in a, "I want to sleep with you kind of way," but in a much more vulnerable moment kind of way. We fell asleep on the couch together while we waited for the pizza we ordered from room service. As we were falling asleep he said, "you know what I love about you, that we can fall asleep on this couch together and it's not weird." Clearly articulating how weird it really was.

He's married. He has two kids. Nothing romantic will come of this, but I do think we're going to become better friends. We've always had fun together since the first time I met him 4 years ago--before I was hired, but we've never had serious talks like we did on Saturday.

He wants me to move to New York, "you belong there." I told him if he paid me enough money to live in NYC, I'd move there in a heartbeat. I could see the wheels turning in his head, but I don't think it's anything that will happen in the near future.

As I was leaving he asked, "we have to spend more time together this year. I don't want another year to pass and we don't see each other."

I reminded him of the national conference we'll both be at the first week in May and told him not to schedule any early morning meetings.

All of this made me sincerely doubt the feelings I think I have for Jacob.

5:07 p.m. ::
prev :: next