It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.


Wednesday, Sept. 07, 2005
She hates and loves him every minute of every moment spent talking to him or seeing him. The words ringing through her head from months ago, "I love you, but I'm addicted to her."
"Is my life always going to be string of movie cliches?" she wonders aloud as she scrubs away the layers of her past every time she's in the shower.
Her renewed instrest in an ex-lover has her all tied up in knots. She knows, ultimately, he's not the one she will marry, but secretly wants that to be not true.
If you could bottle their chemistry people would quickly get addicted to its intoxicating effects.
Her therapist told her, "you can't talk yourself out of liking someone," but still she tries. Even now, with her anger that he ditched their plans last night without even a text message, she knows the next time she sees him she will be butter in the palm of her hands.
"Fuck him. Not worth. Don't care."
All mantras she says ad nauseaum to herself and anyone else standing with in hearing distance.
"He loves me, he loves me not."
The most cohesively cliched statement she can use to express her unwavering interest in him. She wants to fall for the good guy. She doesn't want them to finish last.
But even as one of them is eagarly inviting her out to the next bar, she stays to where he is to see what might happen next. His ex-girlfriend is jealous of her, his best girlfriend from years ago tells her how she things, "you're the one."
But nothing really ever changes. And she feels like a stupid, stupid girl 2 weeks before her 30th birthday.
Going to visit her high school friends on Saturday every came spinning around her. The choices she's made, the person she is revolve so much around these people she only sees maybe once a year. They are who she is, who she's wanted to be and yet, is nothing like them.
The one who told her he wouldn't get married if she said she'd be with him was there with his wife and his two children. All she could think about was, "this could have been my life."
So, she comes back to this town and desperately wants to escape it. She tries to make him into the person she wants, but knows it's all in vain.
All in vain.

12:12 p.m. ::
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