It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

I will never have the answers I want and I just need to accept that.

Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005
I was looking through my online pictures, weeding out the ones where I look incredibly fat or on crack when I realized something. I have no pictures of Colin and I together. I have some random ones of him at the bar and one of him with his sister. Part of the reason is because he hates--HATES--getting his picture taken...something about him not being photogenic. But really, I started looking at the people I do have pictures of and it became suddenly clear to me that perhaps this whole Colin thing was completely fabricated in my mind. I mean, I have no physical proof we were ever together. Well, I guess I have the pictures he drew, but even then, it doesn't prove we were ever together. It's a really bizarre feeling.

His friend, Alex, sent me a text message yesterday:

Colin's b'day today. Going out. Probably to silk and maybe rain. let me know if ur in.

I will say I was tempted, but knew it probably wasn't a good idea. He doesn't answer the phone when I call or call me back when I leave a message or look at me or hardly talk to me when he sees me, so regardless of what he tells his friends, to me it would appear that he wouldn't want me to come out for his birthday. I consulted with Larissa and Julie and sent back this message:

I'm not sure if he'd want me there.

I figured one of two things would happen:
A. He'd convince me I was wrong.
B. Confirm somehow that I'm right.
Well, I never got a response so I didn't go. Actually fell asleep before 11 P.M.

I need to end this craziness in my head. I need to let go of it completely. If only I could figure out how. I think my best bet is to continue staying away from the bar he works at, but it's really hard since my social circle revolves around that place. Even when I go in on nights I know he's not working he still ends up coming in, like on Sunday.

I will never have the answers I want and I just need to accept that.

11:42 a.m. ::
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