It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

everything is spinning

Wednesday, Jan. 19, 2005
This last month has been a ride to remember. And I have been an absolute basket case when I sit alone on my couch. However, whenever I go out I am fabulous and people swirl around like I'm dancing at a ball. I've made out with more boys (and a couple of girls) than I did all of last year and haven't been more miserable to tell the story.

I want Colin back. Every guy I'm with I wish I was with him. I act like I'm over him, but the minute I see him I become movie plot obsessed. It's been over 6 months since his lips touched mine, but the intesity of his eyes have not faded from my memory. The way he smiles and laughs and says things like, "that's what I love about you," when I did something slightly crazy and mean it.

He is an enigma. No one gets him. No one understands why he is the way he is. No one can comprehend how someone can apparently be so in love with someone else, yet deny themselves the perfectness of that union.

Word on the street is he's miserable without me. But it's his choice, not mine.

I get a 9-1-1 emergency text message from one of his friends that I have to call Colin ASAP. I do. He doesn't answer his phone. There's a huge piece to this story that I'm missing. Later Alex tells me he sent that to me because I really need see the pictures Colin has been drawing.

See, I got him a Christmas present. I framed a picture he had drawn me and then got him a sketch book, markers, pencils, and other drawing paraphenalia. He told Nick, "it was the most thoughtful present anyone has ever given me."

But didn't tell me that. Tried to get my phone number because he's forgotten it. He has it now, and still hasn't called. "What do you want from me?" I want to scream every time I see him.

Meanwhile...Nick and I have this incredibly bizarre relationship that I know Colin picks up on. Nick wants to believe he's in love with me. But if he really was he wouldn't still be sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. Still, when he thinks no one is looking he smiles his smile at me. Colin sees it though. Out of the corner of my eye I see him see it. And it must break his heart into a million little pieces because he can't even look at me lately.

I don't even want to talk about this to any of my friends because I feel so stupid. I never used to be this girl. I never used to pine over someone in such a blatantly obsessive way. I think I'm overcompensating to hide it. Running around town (and NYC for that matter) all crazy making out with random boys, inviting boys back to my house, and even having lesbian dreams again.

Here's my secret...I don't want to be Party Girl Rachel anymore. I want to be Married with 2.4 Kids Rachel. I really do.

I suppose I should start acting like it.

And I'm not even going to get into Bruce and Jake incidents in the last month. My horoscope says everything is going to even out this week. That it will all be okay. I feel like it is. I'm avoiding my social world and hunkering down at home and work. It feels good.

But I crave it...crave the night life. Crave the idea that tonight he might let his guard down.

9:11 a.m. ::
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