so much for my happy ending

I awoke irratated and aggravated in the gloom of this rainy morning.
Part One: Lava
I want to believe I have changed, but he's standing there and says probably the most insightful yet hurtful thing possible to me and I think, "oh my god. I have always been like that and no, nothing has changed."
I hate him for then proceeding to stand next to me last night and buying me my drinks and generally being cute and charming and all boyfriend like.
I hate me for letting it happen. I hate me for laughing at his stupid jokes. I hate me for giving him my infamous, flirty smile. I hate me for ignoring the 3 other boys standing around me wanting to chit chat.
I hate that after a couple of hours and forgetting he wasn't my boyfriend he went him with his girlfriend who of course didn't even say "hello" to me when I put the wrist band on her tiny little fucking wrist.
sidenote: I feel so self conscious lately when I'm alone. I feel like King Kong when I'm in crowded bars. Especially if I'm wearing heals and I can see over the majority of guys heads.
Part Two: Taylor's
I cannot stand to see Julie and C.J. together. After everything that's happened the fact the two of them have a variety of stories to tell about times when they were out together makes me physically ill.
I seriously had to walk away from the table on several occassions.
* *
My point to all this is: I want to run far, far away from this town.
The end.