It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

I don't want to be the center of the universe anymore.

Thursday, Aug. 26, 2004
So yesterday I got to thinkin'. Char physically packs her car up and moves away when things need to change. She rarely makes new friends and keeps the old--she scraps the old and scraps the new if things are not going how she wants. She starts fresh.

Though, we all know you can't run from yourself.

Except, well, that's what I'm doing. I'm running away from my old self, running fast away from my old friends, running, running, running as swiftly as I can.

Yet, here I remain.

I heard it time and time again, "You need to make yourself happy." But she said it to me the other night and it just finally clicked in my head.

I do not need to be the most popular girl in the room. Popular girls have to give up a lot of themselves and their happiness to maintain their popularity. You have to go to the "cool" parties. You have to return phone calls from the other "cool" people. And other randomly cool things.

I'm done.

I just want to be me. Whatever that means.

And I don't necessarily think I won't be the most popular girl in the room as long as I don't completely drop out of site. I'll still have my bartenders and bouncers and waitstaff that will seat me and let me in the back door when I don't want to pay cover.

This also relates to why I can't be an actor anymore, why I can't stand to be around actors for a long period of time. I don't want to be the center of the universe anymore.

Every morning for the last couple of weeks I wake up with the Popular song from Wicked stuck in my head. I think it's very symbolic, though really, it's much more literal than symbolic I guess.


(spoken) You're welcome!

(sung) And though you protest

Your disinterest

I know clandestinely

You're gonna grin and bear it

Your new found popularity

La la la la

You'll be popular -

Just not as quite as popular

As me!

I've had people tell me they will do anything to be in my inner circle. People tell me when they did get into the inner circle how cool they now feel. It's amazing to me this happens even in adulthood.

What's even more amazing is that I don't feel how people perceive me. Rarely do I feel like the most popular girl in the room. Mostly I want to stand in the corner and disappear.

And I'm running away from my old friends because they are so rooted in their past perceptions of me. I'm not that girl anymore.

She may come out to play every once in awhile...but I think party grrrl Rachel is taking a little bit of a sabbatical. We'll see if she ever comes back from East Asia.

9:52 a.m. ::
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