It's just life
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

my ego needs stroking

Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004
Do you have those relationships with people where on the phone or over e-mail everything is perfectly fine, but as soon as you see them it seems like everything is not perfectly fine?!?

Well, I do.

Several lately.

And I really want to run away.

Did Combat Theatre last night. And it made me feel so very alone when it was all over. It didn't matter that the president from X-Men patted me on the back and told me what a good job I had done. No one I cared about was there to see me smile and it was the most alone I have ever felt.

I also made a huge realization about theatre and about my tranformation from actor to director. Actors are self-absorbed, self-important assholes. I was.

Theatre is like a bungee jump that never ends. The adrenalin courses through your body for hours--especially with combat. And when it's over you need more--you want more, and so when there's no one around to give your ego the gentle caressing it needs when you come done off a high like that you crash--crash hard.

And I still haven't recovered.

I'm super sensitive right now and am thinking about moving back to California, "because what's the point of staying here."

I no how illogically ridiculous that is, I'm not going to...I just want to right now. And all my close, close friends have either moved far away or their grandpa's have died this week.

And I recognize that. I recognize that the people I most love and care about me would have been there if they could have been there.

And I'm trying not to hate C.J. right now because I know I'm having this emotional crisis...but he was the straw that broke the camels back and now I need to take a little time out from him before I snap any further.

p.s. I'm totally obsessing about the Cubs player.

8:14 p.m. ::
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